British Humour

Hello! Garnie here, guestblogging from MyHoneyandMe. In honor of our last day of guest blogging here on Candace's lovely site, I thought I'd share some bits of British humor! I love British comedy shows like Blackadder (hello, House!), Faulty Towers and Monty Python's Flying Circus. I'll warn you right away that these jokes aren't nearly as funny as those shows but they're close! Cheers!

*!* An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

*!* There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

*!* The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'

*!* Some English tourists decide they should go and see the famously long-named village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales. They decide on going fora hamburger lunch and they debate on how to pronounce the name of the place but they simply cannot decide where to begin with it!
After a while they hail one of the blonde assistants.
"Excuse me, my dear," one asks, "but could you please tell us where we are and, please, say it very, very slowly."
The girl leans over their table and says, "Buuuuuurrrrrgeeeerrrrr Kiiiiiiiinnnnnnggggg."

*!* A battle-weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

*!* For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British sportscar but want to know what it's like try this: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real close.

(Please come home, Candace! We bloody well miss you!!!!)